Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill Trashed by Elon, Donny's New Portrait & It's the Golden Age of Stupid

0:00 I'm Jimmy. I'm the host. Very kind. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us. I'm glad you're here. We have a um we have a special theme for the show tonight or at least for the monologue tonight. It's a through line that seems to be running through everything lately. And that through line is stupid. This is going to be a stupid show. And why not look around you? We're living in the golden age of stupid right now. We are unable to distinguish between fiction and fact. We seem to have learned nothing from the past. Science is now a matter of opinion. According to researchers at John's Hopkins University, since the pandemic, vaccination rates for measles, mumps, and reubella are waning. Fewer people are getting them for themselves and for their kids. Turns out the only thing we learned from co co is how to make

0:46 sourdough bread. But in Hawaii, vaccination rates have dropped 15%, which it dangerously threatens what they call herd immunity. Have you ever noticed that people who do their own research always do it wrong? They're never like, I did a deep dive and uh turns out every credible scientist in the world says we should get the measles vaccine. So I did. I Trump is actively waging war against Harvard University, which seems to be one of the very few institutions with integrity right now. They are fighting back. Although according to CNN, a lot of other colleges have begun quietly negotiating to avoid the president's wrath. I hear Brown University just changed their name to Orange to appease him. Trump right

1:31 now is pushing back against a story from the best-selling author of multiple Trump tell alls, Michael Wolf, who says the real reason he's going after Harvard is because they didn't accept him when he was a student. Trump responded, "Michael Wolf, a third rate reporter who was laughed at even by the scoundrels of the fake news, recently stated that the only reason I'm beating up on Harvard is because I applied there and didn't get in." The story is totally false. I never applied to Harvard. In other words, he applied to Harvard. Harvard is really in a terrible spot. The White House trying to cut their funding. They're threatening to revoke visas for foreign students. This woman was one of the commencement speakers at Harvard. She graduated from the school. And pay attention to what's happening in the background while she talks because somehow it weirdly sums

2:17 everything up. The message itself is if I have to put it into one sentence it will be humanity rises and falls as one. I think we are living in a very difficult time. There's a lot of divisions in terms of know ideas um ethnicities identities and I think this is a time where we can use a little bit more moral imagination and imagine ourselves being connected with Yeah. Or we could just keep beating each other's ass until we get hit by a truck. You know, Harvard may be the most elite university in the world, but it is still in Boston. Don't ever forget that. Trump claims the reason for his battle with Harvard is he wants them to crack down on anti-semitism, which is definitely

3:04 why his people voted for him, especially this guy who Trump pardoned on his first day. He hates anti-semitism so much he wore a Camp Awitz hoodie to demonstrate. But despite the overall feeling of gloom at our nation's universities, our students are still graduating, still having fun. This is the scene at CalPoly Pomona where one new graduate started his postacademic career with a flip. Scotty Nin. The Nin is short for ninoop. And then we have the high school version of that from South Plantation High School in Broward County, Florida. Ailio

3:53 Rodriguez. See, this is what happens when you make the owner of the WWE Secretary of Education. But the biggest flip of the day belongs to Elon Musk. On Friday, Trump gave Elon Musk the key to the White House. And I guess he better change the locks because today Musk had something very nasty to say about Trump's big, beautiful bill. He wrote, "I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork filled congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it. You know you did wrong. You know it." Boy, when he's off the ketamine, he is a lot less fun. I mean, he's right, but shame on those who voted for it. Who bankrolled these people that voted for it? I want the name of whoever bankroll

4:39 Oh, wait. It's his name. For Elon Musk to call this a disgusting abomination is really saying something because this is the man who created this disgusting abomination. Musk also tweeted that Congress is bankrupting America. Yo, Elon, bro, were you not paying attention when Trump said he was going to run the country like one of his businesses? Trump versus Elon. What an unexpected I'm not sure who to root for. It's like Diddy versus R. Kelly. Obviously, this was a um a big deal at the White House. So, uh they asked press secretary Karen Levit about it and she dodged that question like her boss did the draft. How mad do you think President Trump is going to be when he finds out that Elon Musk said, "I'm

5:26 sorry, but I just can't stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous pork- fililled congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it. You know you did wrong. You know it. Look, the president already knows where Elon Musk stood on this bill. It doesn't change the president's opinion. This is one big beautiful bill and he's sticking to it. I love that the question is how angry is the president going to be? Is it going to be Chernobyl or Vuvius? Just going to be regular Mad or extra crispy either way. She's very good at pretending grandpa is a sane individual. Somehow Trump has managed to restrain himself and not lash out at Elon Musk, probably for about 288 million reasons, but it's only a matter of time. Trump spent the day doing productive work. He signed more in a

6:12 series of important executive orders. Sir, the purpose of this executive order is for the beautifification of our national monuments, specifically to augment the breasts on the Statue of Liberty. You said that right now Lady Liberty is quote A5 and you felt that other countries are laughing at the size of the statue's bosom. So this order allocates money meant for veteran housing to provide the Statue of Liberty with a 13 ton boob job. He did a very good job, didn't he? How many people here could have done that? I don't know. I think a lot. Now say I did a good job again. Thanks. Good job. Guys, I still have to give the president his bath. So, when he's done scribbling like a baby, everybody applaud so that I

6:59 can get home. Is that it? Yep. Let's get you in the tub. All right. Okay. Well, that's a step in the right direction. I'm for that. The White House also unveiled Trump's new presidential portrait. You know, he wasn't happy with the one they shot for him when he took office in January, so they he had them do it again. And this is the new portrait. It's called Sneering in the Dark. Isn't that fun? This is the last thing a McNugget sees before it dies. They actually cropped the original photo was much wider. They um they shot it on the Death Star. Emperor Palpatini hand seated. It's interesting because this was Trump's first presidential portrait in 2017. He's brightly lit. He's smiling in front of American flag. How did we get

7:45 to this? Could it be a robot clone of Donald Trump? I mentioned last night Trump reposted an absolutely wacko conspiracy theory that says President Biden was really a robotic clone, which was a topic of light-hearted conversation on Fox News. That brings us right back to our theme tonight. Apparently, Donald Trump reposted somebody's post on Truth Social claiming that Biden had been executed in 2020 and was replaced by a robotic clone. Clearly, President Trump did not believe that. I mean, I know Trump's sense of humor. I'm sure he was just trolling him. What do you think? Well, I would hope so, but I think also it gets to the real heart of this scandal, which is who in the world was president for the past four years if it wasn't Joe Biden? Was it a clone? Was it a cable of White

8:32 House officials? Yes. Was it a cable of White House officials? Or even scarier, a cabal of them? That reminds me, I need to cancel my subscription to Cabal. Uh, but don't let her misprononunciation distract you from the point she was making, which was every bit as dumb as the word she got wrong. Then we have our Secretary of Education, Miss Linda McMahon, who appeared before the Senate Appropriations Committee, where Mark Wayne Mullen made a strong case for improving education in his home state of Oklahoma. And what was we ranked in reading and math in 1979? I'm sorry, what? What was we ranked nationally in math and and and reading in 1979? You hearded me. What was we ranked?

9:17 Was we reading good or reading bad? That's what happens when you get homeschooled by your dog. Luckily for Mark Wayne, he wasn't the only dummy at the hearing. He had some serious competition from Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana. We spend $1.858 858 billion dollar a year on TRIO. Yes. More than 10 years. Yes. So that's over a trillion dollars we've spent on this program. Madam Secretary, and I'm not a great mathematician, but I think you were talking about a trillion dollars. Uh I believe 1.5 billion times 10 is $15 billion. That's a little bit off from a trillion dollars. I think the the budget

10:03 cuts 1.2 billion for Well, 1.2 that would be 12 billion, not three. Okay. Okay. All right. Now, we finally found a dumber Kennedy than RFK. These are the people. These are the people responsible for passing our budget. They can't do simple math. And to top it off, we have a new character throwing his stunts cabinet in the ring. the acting head of FEMA, the guy in charge of the department supposed to help us after a natural disaster, told his staff yesterday he wasn't aware the United States had a hurricane season, which obviously had some of his staff concerned. Then a spokesperson tried to spin it by telling the press he was joking. This is the guy. His name is David Richardson. You tell me, does this look like a guy who was joking? This is

10:50 There's not a funny bone in this body. He looks like Vgo the Carpathian's mean older brother silently watching you drown. It's Is there anyone in this administration who knows how to do their job? You know, there used to be a political party in the United States called the Nothings. They didn't call themselves that. They called themselves the American Party, which they wanted to make America great again by kicking out the immigrants who back then were the Germans and the Irish like these two uh seen here stealing an election. Does this sound familiar to anybody? The Nothings argued that Germany and Ireland weren't sending their best people. They were sending unskilled, wretched refues like this guy, Frederick Trump, and this kid Patrick Kennedy. And they had to go, but they didn't go. And now their

11:36 ancestors are the new no nothings. Including our head of homeland security, Christy, I don't know what habius corpus means. Gnome. And our secretary of education doesn't know the difference between AI and A1. And Pete, I don't know who's on my signal thread or that I shouldn't be using Signal Hegth. And now David, I didn't know there was a hurricane season. Richardson, I hope we don't have a situation. We have to put this new guy to the test. But hurricane season is here. And those individuals who still do work for FEMA, Trump has already cut 2,000 of them want us to be ready when disaster does strike. The following is a message from the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Hurricane season is upon us and quite frankly, it caught us off guard. Uh, with all the

12:21 layoffs and budget cuts, we just don't have the headsp space to deal with disasters this year. So, let's get you ready to be on your own. Step one, get a whistle. That way, if there's a flood and you get stuck in a raft or something, you can blow it and maybe someone will help. Step two, sandbags. Get some bags, put sand in them. That'll be good for something. Step three, get a membership to Mara Lago. God sends hurricanes to punish drag queens and destroy woke libraries, but God loves and protects President Trump and all his many properties. And finally, step four, learn to like cat food. Not just eat it, like it. Cat food is cheap and it's not as bad as you think. Cat food has all the vitamins you

13:07 need and it's a great way to bond with your pets. So, good luck, I guess, from those of us who were left here at FEMA. Remember, God helps those who help themselves. This was a message from FEMA. Paid for by your friends at Meow Mix. Meow Mix, not just for cats anymore. I'm more of a fancy fish guy, but that's GMO. Do you know how many subscribers we have on YouTube now? Uh, 20 million. That's right. Yeah, that's why we're wearing these glasses. Thanks for being a subscriber. If you're not, help us get to 20 million and one.