Brief Summary
Tim Vine's stand-up routine is a rapid-fire delivery of puns, one-liners, and absurd observations. The performance includes musical interludes with nonsensical lyrics and audience participation segments, all contributing to a fast-paced, joke-filled show.
- Quick, rapid-fire delivery of jokes and puns.
- Musical interludes with absurd lyrics.
- Audience participation and engagement.
Tim Vine introduces himself and jokes about his name being misspelled on a form. He mentions playing table football and being in Surrey, which he calls the world's most polite county. He humorously suggests that any conflict in Surrey would involve bickering rather than fighting. Vine then talks about buying a theater and a story about his mom collapsing after he told her about it.
Vine reveals he is from Chim in Surrey and jokes about Anne Boleyn having a brother named Tenpin. He shares a dream he had about driving around a roundabout with his left hand while making pancakes with the other.
Vine tells a series of short, absurd jokes. He jokes about walking down the street and his girlfriend complaining about him walking in front, being offered ownership of Wembley Stadium and Arena, and a woman asking if he washed his face with Imperial Leather soap, only to point out a label stuck to his forehead.
Vine performs a short, repetitive song with the lyrics "One of my hands is missing," emphasizing the catchy hook of the song.
Vine jokes about being a lumberjack who changed shirts after every tree and running a dating agency for chickens. He then mentions running a colonic irrigation business, which is quiet in the summer due to hose pipe bans.
Another musical interlude with the lyrics "Change channels as much as you can," encouraging the audience to create their own stories from different TV programs.
Vine tells a joke about spilling a Scrabble set and struggling to find another word for "stitch." He then introduces a segment involving a survey map of Chim, calling it "ordinance participation."
Vine describes various locations on the map of Chim, including his car, a Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth and Also Does Take Away," Nonsuch Palace with a front door resembling a pig's nose, and Chim wood. He jokes about his dad's unusual internal organ placement and losing his tree, so he nailed a picture of it to a dog.
Vine continues describing the map, pointing out Chim station, where he found an old train ticket from 1979. He mentions Chim Zoo, where he got "babooned off" during a gig, and Chim Hospital, where he encountered a pixelated pixie with too much hemoglobin. He jokes about needing to get drunk when crossing borders and being called a borderline alcoholic by a doctor.
Vine jokes about his internal organs and shares a series of one-liners. He jokes about a bloke dressing up as a small island off the coast of Italy and refusing to do a parachute jump, where the instructor asks how long he's been an instructor mid-jump.
Vine interacts with the audience, asking someone if they have a llama. He tells jokes about attending a barbecue, meeting the inventor of window sills, and an antique dealer asking about the Chinese dynasty.
Vine jokes about opening a shop in Saudi Arabia and his grandfather designing the lions in Trafalgar Square. He tells a joke about going to a Swedish furniture shop and buying furniture polish. He then announces that the audience will sing with him, despite being totally deaf, and introduces a song called "Subtraction."
Vine performs a repetitive song called "Subtraction," featuring simple lyrics and an easy dance.
Vine impersonates Bruce Willis and tells jokes about being in a Die Hard film. He jokes about going to a binocular shop and the difference between binoculars and a telescope.
Vine jokes about whether every sentence needs a vegetable and the word "mortar" having two different meanings. He shares a joke about a drunk man in a local pub who challenges him to name a subject he doesn't have a joke about.
Vine tells a joke about a bad gig where he only heard one person clapping, revealing he was wearing flip-flops. He mentions doing a gig for a whole letter of reindeers and his first job playing the back half of a pantomime wasp.
Vine jokes about getting lost in the jungle and using a compass to draw perfect circles. He mentions a small blue garden bird made of mahogany, wishing he had a related joke.
Another musical interlude with the theme of waiting.
Vine does something "creepy" and tells a joke about a friend mocking his pay-as-you-go phone, leading him to take out a contract and have the friend killed.
Vine tells a joke about someone threatening to wake him up while he's asleep, calling it disturbing. He mentions his worst invention being a rubber band windchime.
Vine tells a joke about walking into the waves with taramasalata and taking a dip in the sea. He jokes about steering a yacht with his stomach muscles, calling it "AB sailing."
Vine tells a joke about a farmer asking him to round up 68 sheep, and he rounds them up to 70. He expresses concerns about growing old and being attacked, thanking the audience for being sensational and ending the show.
Summarize any YouTube video in seconds
Get summaries like this one for any video, in your language, with the free Summ app.
Transcript
Full transcript of “15 Minutes on Non-Stop Puns! | Tim Vine | Live Stand-Up Comedy”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:02 yes my name is deed pole cuz I fed the form in wrongly I've I've just been playing table football yeah it was a away match yes here we are in sari the world's most polite County give yourselves a round of applause yes that's right if it all kicks off here tonight there won't be any fights but there might might be quite a lot of bickering and what a beautiful theater do you know I said to my mom I said I'm going to buy a theater she said are you having me on I said I'll give an audition but I can't promise then she collapsed on the floor so I rang out the hospital I said my mom's collapsed he said do you want a stretch her I said that make her feel
0:49 worse he said what happened I said a row of books fell off the wall and landed on her head he said you've only got your shelf to blame now I'm actually um I'm actually from Chim in SAR ladies and gentlemen CH yes the entire population have made it here Chim of course which is which is well known for ambolin did you know ambolin had a brother called tenpin I'm on for two hours but I had an incredible dream last night you know I dream I was stuck driving around a roundabout with my left hand I was making pancakes with the other hand I was steering yeah all night tossing and turning so I was walking down the street 600 ft above sea level it was a High
1:35 Street and my girlfriend said to me she said Tim how come you always walk in front of me I said I'm sorry I don't follow you and then a boat came up to me he said how would you like to own Wembley Stadium Wembley Arena and all their facilities I said you trying to give me a complex and then a woman came up to me she said excuse me have you just washed your face with Imperial Le the soap I said yeah can you smell it she said no you got a little label on your forehead hit the music please one of my hands is missing one of my hands is missing one of my one of my one of my one of my one of my hands is missing one of my hands is missing one of my hands is missing one of my one of my one of my one of my one of my hands is missing you got to make that song's
2:22 got a great hook no settle down I've got a lot to get through do you know when I was a lumberjack um I put on a different shirt after every tree always chopping and changing that was me then I started running a dating Agency for chickens but it's just a real struggle trying to make hens meat so now I run my own colonic irrigation business yeah that takes it out of you tell you it's a bit quiet in the summer what with the hose pipe band hit the music please change channels as much as you can change them change channels as much as you can
3:11 change them make up your own story using all the different bits of the programs you've [Music] seen that wasn't remotely funny so this blow came up to me so I've just spil my Scrabble set on the road I said what's the word on the street he said I can't think of another word for Stitch I said is that so then he started throwing words at me that began with th I managed to dodge this there and then but I didn't see that coming ladies gentlemen it's time to have a little look at a survey map of CH that's right it's time for a bit of ordinance participation let's hear it shut up
3:57 let's hear it for the m of Cham yes come on there it is there we are now let me talk you through it that's that's my car coming in there whenever I drive it egg shoot out the boot it's a hatchback and over here that's a restaurant that's a Christian restaurant it's called the lord giveth and also does take away I walked in I saw these two vicar arguing over a loaf of communion bread I said all right break it up I use a Moroccan rice dish to help me count it's my ab a kuskus only in s can he do a joke about kuskus and over here that's non-s such
4:44 Palace in Chim there and as you'll notice there that's that's actually the uh the front door of the palace looks like a pig's nose it's got a pork Callis but you know I had a job I had a job as Prince Philip's hairdresser and I I parked my car outside the front of Bucking Palace and a police come out to me he said he said have you got a permit I said no I've just got to take a bit off the B and um that's where um that's where I left the the top off the felt tip and uh and over here that's where I was born I remember the first thing my mom said to me when I was born she said ah I was expecting you but my parents are great you know my dad's liver is inside his left knee his kidneys are on his elbows and his spleen on the side of his head still his heart's in the right place and that's um that's Chim wood yeah you know the day I lost my tree so
5:31 I had to nail a picture of it to a dog that's CH station you know I looked in my pocket the other day I found an old train ticket from 1979 a day return that took me back we nearly there and um and there we are that's that's CH Zoo yeah I did a gig there terrible got bab booned off and down here that's Chim Hospital yeah I walked in there the other day and there was this pixie and this pixie was elated um well it was pixelated I couldn't see his face and I said to him I said are you here to give blood he said I'm not allowed to give blood I said why not he said I've got too much heemo Goblin someone said to the doctor I said
6:16 whenever I pass from one country to another I have to get drunk he said you're borderline alcoholic the map of CH ladies and gentlemen there it is let's hear it from my internal organs [Music] now his PL said to me said I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy I said don't be so silly I think a parachute jump was the scariest thing that I have ever ever refused to do actually I did once to do a parachute jump and of course they attach you to the instructor don't they and you jump out together so in this airplane they attached me to bloke and we jumped out and it was really frightening cuz
7:01 halfway down he said how long have you been an instructor but we've all heard the theory that people look like they're pets well tonight I'm going to test that theory out you sir have you got a llama just so you know whoever is sitting there I always say have you got a llama I just got lucky tonight so I went to su's barbecue and I had a sweep steak and I met the man who invented window sills what a ledge and this antique dealer came up to me he said what do you think of the Chinese dynasty I said it was very badly [Applause] dubbed I said I'm going to open a shop in Saudi Arabia he said you buy I said
7:48 yes and sell but you know my grandfather was a very controversial artist yeah he designed the lions in traga square it doesn't sound very Cutting Edge but at the time that really put the cat amongst the pigeons so I said to Miss New Zealand bloke I said I'm going to a Swedish furniture shop he said does it look like Ikea I said I'm going to buy some furniture polish he said pledge I said I give you my word but you're probably all thinking to yourself this is all very well but when do we get to sing with you Tim well the answer is now I'm actually totally deaf I never thought i' H say that this song is called subtraction take it away hit the music
8:35 please I already know the one dance it's easy easy it's easy easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy easy easy it's easy easy easy it's easy easy easy it's easy easy easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy it's easy BL
9:24 [Applause] bag that's bang out of order I don't know I'll put myself through [Music] [Applause] this hello my name's Bruce Willis and I was in a Die Hard film and I used to shoot at people and people shoot back at me yes I'm Bruce Willis I'm I was in six I'm a film star I'm Bruce Willis sorry I think I may have given you the wrong
10:09 impression soone to the binocular shop I tell you what they saw me coming of course binoculars is plural and a singular is telescope but I love language this BL it to me it does every sentence have to contain a vegetable I said not necessary and then there words the word word mortar has two different meanings as I discovered when the house I built blew itself up so I went down with local pub do you like local jokes yeah me too they're right on my street I walked in there's a very drunk man slumped in a chair and he looked at me he said he said what do you do for a living I said I'm a comedian he said I admire anyone who can stand up I said I bet you can't name a single
10:54 subject I don't have a joke about he said beavers I said damn you know I did a gig the other day it went really badly and um yeah cheers and uh I walked off stage all I could hear was the sound of one person clapping and then I remembered I was wearing flip-flops didn't it make sense the night before did a gig to a whole letter of reindeers slay them that move improves the joke that does doesn't work with all of them but you know the first job I ever had in this business I was playing the back half of a pantomim wasp and I thought I was the bees knes do you know the other day I got lost in the jungle luckily I had a compass with me so I was able to draw perfect circles with a
11:45 pencil a small blue Garden bird made of mahogany be great if I had a related joke wouldn't it [Applause] pick the music [Music] please waiting can sometimes be lots of fun [Music]
12:38 but not [Applause] always this is um this is really this is really creepy watch this [Laughter] [Applause] watch do you know I had a friend who was always taking a Mickey at me for having a pay your go phone he was always going You' got a pig Go Phone you've got a p your Go Phone So eventually I took out a contract and I had him killed so I said to this bloke I said me and some friends have just been talking about you he said you disgusted me I said yes we did he said next time you're asleep I'm going to wake you up I said that's
13:26 disturbing oh you know I've nearly finished filling in my CV let's got to do that little bit there I think perhaps my worst invention was this rubber band Windchime all right pipe down ladies G I'm going to attempt something for you now shall walked into the waves holding a tub of taramasalata blo it to me say what are you doing I said I'm taking a dip in the sea so I steering a yacht with my stomach muscles AB sailing and this farmer came up to me he said I've got 68 sheep can you round
14:11 them up for me I said sure [Applause] 70 but I've got to be honest with you ladies and gentlemen I don't think I'm going to be doing this job for much longer thank you not enough of you in too long a pause but um what concerns me is that one day I'll wind up an old man and he'll attack me ladies and gentlemen you've been a sensational audience thanks for coming along tonight good night
